It's a Wonderful Life.

I had one of the worst dreams ever last night.  But it was one of those dreams that doesn't go away because you've woke yourself up.  Every time I fell back asleep, it was there again.  

Of course, like Nathan says, my dreams are wild and weird anyway.  But despite that, sometimes they strike a little too close.  To my heart.  

Maybe it's just a suppressed fear.  Maybe it's the fact we just got life insurance.  Maybe it's just a weird dream.  I don't know.

But I dreamed all night that Nathan was dying.  Those details are a little fuzzy, but some vital organ was enlarged, and we were really just waiting for it to explode (for a lack of better word coming to my mind right now) and him to die.  And maybe it wasn't all night...more like 3 to 7. Which is still a very long time.

And all night long, my heart ached. 

And I thought about all that I would miss.

I would so miss his companionship.  And his sense of humor.  And the way he teases me without picking on me (usually!).  I would miss his breath on my neck as we sleep, my body fitted to his.  I would miss falling asleep to him praying so many nights (I can't help it, his voice soothes me!).  I would miss the way he plays with the kids, and loves on them...and the look he gets in his eyes when he says "They're growing up honey...".  I would miss talking with him before we fall asleep.  And the way he comes up behind me and puts his hands on my hips, and kisses me. His value for human life, and how he longs, hopes for and loves each child we're given, and each yet to come. I would miss his body.  And the way he looks at me when I say something really dumb. I would miss his leadership, and his stability.  I would miss his ability to hold his tongue. And yes, I would even miss the things that drive me crazy...like how he can't close a dresser drawer to save his life, and when he cooks, he leaves all the cupboard doors open.  The way he ALWAYS drives straight through the curve at the Hazard turn; and his socks and work clothes laying in the kitchen, left where he shed them when he got home. 

We need to treasure what we have while we've got it.  Maybe you have both forgotten how to treasure what you have, and no you feel there is no treasure left.  I assure you, you do.

It's not too late.   To put your ALL into loving, serving, treasuring and caring for that one person (and little persons) that have been put in your life to bless it.  But it's called investing.  What you put into something determines what you get out of it.  If we sit back, waiting to be served, and loved and cherished.  Nothing is going to happen.  We have to serve.  We have to love.  We have to cherish.  And sometimes it takes more on our part.  And sometimes we don't get the response we need.  As William Johnson said (who was he anyway?):

"If it is to be, it is up to me."

I want no regrets.  I want to know, at the end of my life, or the end of Nathan's life, that I served him and loved him faithfully.  I want my children, after they grow up and leave home, to come back and know that Mom always loved them, cherished them, and guided them in the right path.

I know that I can not cling too tightly to my husband, to my children, or anyone else that means so much to me.  For they are not mine. God has His will, and I will not meddle.

I have hope, if something should happen to Nathan in the near future, and when something does happen to him someday. And when something happens to me.  We've has been redeemed by the blood of Christ.  Our sin is blotted out, and I know that I will be in heaven with him someday.  I know that we won't be married in heaven, but I know that heaven will be much better than anything on this life.  

Until then, I will cherish my loved ones, and cherish my God.